Hello there, Madame Woo here, welcome to Faithfully Madame. Trying to help us all find a little growth in our lives. This time around I would like to talk about independence. Independence means not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence, capable of thinking and acting for oneself, and being freestanding. At times I wonder, I am even capable of relaying this lesson to my children. I have always been under the impression that you can not teach a lesson you have not yet learned yourself. I have three children and I handle the bulk concerning them, as I should. I am by no means independent and I rely heavily on others to fulfill my duties. If I did not have that help, sometimes I feel I would surely fall. No one knows the truth about that statement but the Most High. Although, I would like to think that if I did not have all of these resources I would still be able to make a decent position for my family. I am quite bright you know.
I know people, including myself, right now, dependent on someone or something. Most of those dependencies have less than positive effects on their life. If it is not a family member, it is a girlfriend or boyfriend, husband or wife, a job, even a vice. Some folks believe being dependent to a certain extent is a part of life. We should lean on someone or something to get through the hard times or just life in general. What is the extent? How much dependency is too much dependency? I do not like to call them trust issues but I have them. Not because someone broke my heart but as a way to say nothing last forever. Adaption is the pit most people fall into, they can not adapt to change. I reflect a lot on my reactions to the changes I have been through. Could I see myself handling things better? Marriages, partnerships, families survive when people can allow things to grow and evolve even when they can not agree with its direction.
In past relationships of all kinds, I have become dependent on others to feel useful and needed. I have invested in them before investing in my well being. I wonder sometimes if there is something that maybe I could have been taught to avoid these things. If so pass me the handbook, I will teach it to my children. Are we a product of our environment? Is who we are our choice? I do not want my children to be dependent on me, or anyone else, to survive and feel worthy. I want them to be self-sufficient in everything that they do. If they come up against an obstacle they should keep trying until they succeed.
Teaching your children to handle their responsibilities consistently is a big part of parenting for me. What responsibilities do you give your children? Are you consistent when it comes to following through on those responsibilities? Are there proper consequences if they do not follow through? As adults, there are major consequences to not being consistent in everything you do. I am always googling ways to help learn responsibility which is a stepping stone to independence. If you find someone who is not independent then it is because they have not taken responsibility for themselves. If you can not handle your responsibilities on your own then you are dependent. Taking responsibility for self is something I must instill in my children. If I feel like you are capable of something then it does not matter if you think you can or not. It seems hypocritical to say, I will still expect that of you. The world stops turning for no one. It will not slow down for you to catch up. I am currently teaching myself independence through responsibility and creativity. I am receiving inspiration from 9 ways to take responsibility for your life, it is a good read, check it out. The words that I am passing on for encouragement, I live by, as well I teach my children. The reason we take responsibility is that it is the only way we can take control. An independent person is in control of themselves and what happens to them, in an everyday life sense.
Stop Placing Blame.
One of the many ways you can take responsibility is to stop placing blame. We all have spent time blaming others for things that have happened in our lives. We feel out of control when it comes to the actions of others. For me, it was my mother’s fault I owed the University of Alabama because she did not pay them when she said she would. It was the father of my children’s fault that I struggle to care for my children because he chose not to take full responsibility for them like he said he would. It is my father’s fault I have abandonment issues because he was not for me like I wanted him to be. As true as these things may be, and factors, they were not out of my control to handle. We all have reneged at some point in our lives when it comes to our intentions to do something. It took me a long time to take responsibility for all the decisions I made that lead me to the present. Just remember if you can not take responsibility for the loss, how can you take it for the win. It is so hard, I know to stop blaming the world for your circumstances.
I know my children will do things they know they should not. When I ask them why they most always will blame another sibling or someone else. I have to remind them that you have a mind of your own, if you chose to do it, it is no one else’s fault but yours. Children love to point the finger. Are you a child or an adult? Are you pointing the finger at someone else? Are you allowing your children to blame others for their choices? I know children will come home from school in trouble and say it was not me it was so and so. Well if you were there or “flocking with them” as they say, then you are an accomplice. You are just as guilty as the perpetrator. Just think you were there, you witnessed it and did not speak up. To be able to stop placing blaming is a tough lesson to learn. It is always easiest to blame someone else for our lack of mindfulness and self-control.
Stop complaining or tattle-telling.
We all know the tongue is our most vicious weapon. Constantly telling others what you are upset about is unwelcoming. This here is my downfall for sure, I have yet to master this one. I am a woman and we are typically known for complaining. I complain to my children all the time and in return, they complain right back to me. It hurts to teach such bad habits to my children, yet we are who we are. I try to dial down the things that I say out loud, just shutting up will surely help. Just be quiet in those moments of frustration, apply it to home and work as well. If you have a suggestion to make things better, then do share. If you are opening your mouth to say that things are not working then you are being counterproductive, you then become part of the problem. Do not allow your children to complain, yet teach them to voice their frustrations. Ask, what’s wrong? What do you feel would solve this problem? How can I help? A lot of the time my children want someone to pay for their bad feelings and I am the ultimate avenger. This is awful, but they do not know any better. We all should know that harboring for the punishment of other people’s crimes against us, does not hurt them but hurts us. Though it is not as simple as telling someone to get over it.
Walk away from the offense, do not take it personally.
Let us not be stuck in our offenses, so much so, that it keeps us stagnant and unable to take responsibility. As we teach our children we might learn that we require a good lesson ourselves. It is okay to learn from your children it does not make you less of an adult. It makes you more of an adult as your ability to discern grows. We have to lead by example if we desire for our little chickadees to follow. Another point is not to take things personally. Everyone is entitled to live their own lives, just as you are. Be independent and take control of your life. I know with my children they will get upset when someone will not play with them or do what they say. I will always tell them that the person does not have too. They can do whatever they want to do. Go and do your own thing. This is good for you as well because it relieves you of your obligation to anything that does not fit you. We tend to think that because someone does not answer the phone they must not like us. If someone does not help us they must not love us. This is not a conducive way of thinking. You should think of yourself as a river. It is a source, all come to rest there, and it is not in need. It is constantly in motion, moving forward, and never back. Let go, move forward, and do not take it personally. It is not your cross to bear so do not pick it up. Teach your children to do the same. This will build resilience.
Make yourself happy.
This here is the sweetest of them all, make yourself happy. This is your life and it is not a gift you want to put on a shelf and forget. We all have a purpose whether we choose to fulfill our destiny or not. This is an important step because if someone is responsible for your sadness, then they are in turn responsible for your happiness as well. If someone is responsible for your anger then they are responsible for your peace as well. This is balance. Take the power of self into your own hands, by becoming responsible for your own emotions. You make yourself sad, you make yourself happy. You are responsible therefore you are in control, self-control.
Being in control of oneself is something that I discuss more openly in Accepting Emotion and Conquering Fear While Healing The Ego. I will be discussing this post in detail Sunday at 8 pm, February 9, 2020, inside The Flower Pot. I will talk about being a master and not a servant. You do not serve your emotions, stop doing their bidding, you are their master. When you master self then you have self-control. Take it easy, try taking things outside yourself less seriously and the things that lie within worthwhile.
The best thing you can do is change your mind. Do not be fixated on one thing. Change your mind and change it again. This is transformation. If you have made up your mind, then that is that. You will never be able to transcend, going beyond what is. Here is the recap stop blaming, stop complaining, walk away from the offense, do not take it personally, make yourself happy, and practice self-control. It is so weird to me that at the beginning of this piece I did not know how it would turn out. I received roadblocks all along the way. I knew what I wanted to talk about but I did not know how I was going to convey the message. We think teaching independence is about giving them a list of things to do and staying on top of them to make sure they accomplish them. But as with any good lesson in life it comes from within. It is a mindset. It is spiritual.
It is only when you take responsibility for life, that you discover how powerful you truly are.Allanah Hunt
I hope that I have given you something to think about. In any way I can help you on your journey of self-discovery and parenting then I have done some good. Take responsibility for your life and find independence for yourself. You are as powerful as they come, it is time you tap into that power. Peace is love, Madame Woo.